


Ignominy

by Drenagon



Series: Lessons Well Learnt [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Complete, Gen, Insanity, Just mine though!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-04
Updated: 2014-04-04
Packaged: 2018-01-18 04:22:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1414963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drenagon/pseuds/Drenagon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How <em>not</em> to kill a dragon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ignominy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ISeeFire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ISeeFire/gifts).



> Anyone who saw the long conversation on a certain chapter of History, or has looked at various other comments, knows where this is going to go. I apologise. I apologise even more if you are reading this unsuspecting. It is crack. It was never going to be anything else. I blame ISeeFire and Judayre entirely.
> 
> That said, I hope you enjoy, beta-mine :D

Ignominy

 

It was a completely ridiculous plan, Bard of Lake-town was certain. Several dwarves, a couple of elves and a hobbit, of all things, setting off to kill a dragon. It could not possibly work. No matter what Thorin Oakenshield said.

Which was why Bard was following Thorin’s Company up the path to Erebor, making sure not to be seen. If they were determined to do this, then all he could do was make his own attempt to kill Smaug and hope he was successful. Thorin had not needed to know that there was more than one black arrow in Lake-town. Bard was not fool enough to keep all of his eggs in one basket.

Following the Company was easy enough. The way they laughed and teased each other anyone would think they were going to a party, not to slay a dragon. Idiots.

Even more so because they had not even noticed they were being followed. It would serve them right if a group of orcs or wolves took them all before they even got to Erebor. Bard could not resist the slight scoffing noise he made. It was not as if they were paying attention.

 

ßßß

 

‘Is he still there?’ Kíli asked Legolas quietly under the cover of the noise that the rest of the Company was making. Bard’s attempts at following them unseen had been amusing him ever since Legolas had reported his presence earlier in the day. Kíli had no love for Bard the Bowman, for all that the man had three of the loveliest people Kíli had ever met for children.

‘Still there,’ Legolas answered equally quietly. Bofur had taken to the task of pretending that they had not a care in the world with a will. Currently he was leading the dwarves in a round of drinking songs that would waken the dead.

‘I could put an arrow in him before he even knew he’d been spotted,’ Tauriel added to the conversation. She sounded very excited by the prospect and both Kíli and Legolas looked at her askance, before sharing a glance that made it clear what they were both thinking.

‘Killing him would be a bit extreme, Tauriel,’ Legolas ventured after a moment. ‘He is only following us. There is no reason he can’t go into the Mountain too, if he wishes.’

‘As long as he does not get in our way,’ Kíli appended quickly. Appearances aside, the Company were taking this quest very seriously. They just weren’t taking Bard seriously.

 

ßßß

 

By the time the dwarves stopped at the entrance to the Mountain, Bard had a headache from all of the caterwauling and was completely sick of listening to songs about dwarven women’s beards and other assets. Bard would not shed a tear if the hatted dwarf met his end inside Erebor, even if Sigrid and Tilda seemed to be fond of him for some reason.

Sinking to the ground a way from the where the dwarves had come to a halt, Bard sighed with relief. It seemed extremely unfair that the dwarves got to have a campfire while Bard had to sit here shivering with cold, but Bard would persevere. It would all be worth it to stop Lake-town burning.

There had been some fuss shortly after their arrival at Erebor but then, to Bard’s surprise, all of the dwarves had sat down to listen to a _story_ of all things, while the elves and the hobbit wandered off to look around. How, Bard wondered, was a man supposed to trust these dwarves to protect his home if they were so easily distracted from their purpose?

 

ßßß

 

Two days later, Bard was still wondering. Though they had at least got as far as sending the hobbit inside now. The rest seemed content to lounge around outside with little better to do than dig dirt out from beneath their nails. Though with the state most of them were in that was a time-consuming task, he thought snippily. 

When all of them dwarves suddenly shot to their feet and crowded around the entrance to Erebor, Bard snapped to attention. It soon became clear that the little creature had not succeeded in killing the dragon – why was Bard not surprised? Even Oakenshield did not seem surprised and _he_ was the one who had _concocted_ this mockery of a plan.

What they devised between them then, Bard could not tell. For some reason they all spoke far more quietly than they had been so far and, even when straining, Bard could not hear them. Then, abruptly, Oakenshield shoved the door back open and all of the dwarves, save the young archer, exploded into action, hurtling through the door shouting war cries.

For a moment Bard simply stood there, staring. 

What in the Valar’s name were these madmen _doing_?

Then he noticed that the elves and the dwarven archer were still stood outside and that the hobbit had disappeared. Odd, that. He had not known hobbits could actually disappear. Bard spared a moment to wonder why the hobbit hadn’t been able to kill the dragon if he was invisible, then realised that all of his quarry had now entered the Mountain. Quickly, he rushed after them and shot through the door just before it could close.

 

ßßß

 

Really, Legolas thought, this Bard was not up to much. It had taken him a full minute to get inside Erebor after Legolas, Tauriel and Kíli had entered and now that he _was_ in he was making more noise than any Haradrim oliphaunt. Pitiful. Legolas sniffed. Bard would not have made it into the training for the palace guard, let alone completed it. 

Not that Legolas had a great deal of time to think about Bard right now. The dragon was ever so slightly busy trying to kill his friends. Legolas needed to move swiftly if he was going to be in place at the right time. Finding another column in a convenient place, Legolas climbed swiftly to the top and jumped to the next column along.

Let Bard follow… if he could keep up.

 

ßßß

 

Clearly Eru had given the elves some form of innate magic, Bard thought as he gasped for breath. The Prince and his red-haired Captain could not be clinging to those columns any other way. Bard had no idea where the other dwarf had gone, or the rest of Oakenshield’s Company, but he was pre-occupied trying to get air into his lungs right now.

Bard had only just recovered himself when Oakenshield and the other lunatics shot into the room and began hiding behind some huge metal grate. How they thought that was going to kill a dragon, Bard had not a clue. Really, did anyone in that party have any brains at all? 

Apparently not, for the one who did not speak Westron made some absurd gestures and they rearranged themselves, with several peeling off to go and stand next to random pieces of equipment. Bard knew enough to recognise this as a forge, but it certainly did not look like any forge he had visited. All these levers and pulleys seemed completely unnecessary.

The roar of the dragon as he approached was easy enough to hear. Bard quickly shot behind a pillar, grasping the black arrow in his hands. It would be better if he had one of those smaller arrows that the hobbit had been clutching, at least he could string those to his… bow.

The hobbit had had the arrows, but no bow. Now the elves and the young dwarf had bows but not, if Bard remembered correctly, arrows. 

They were doomed.

Good job Bard had followed them after all. At least he had brought an appropriate weapon.

Then the dragon appeared and all turned to chaos. Bard stayed back out of the fray, watching intently for his chance. The archers had at least managed to blind the dragon, which was better than nothing. In another scenario Bard would have found the dragon’s wailing humorous. 

Not now, however. Now he had spotted that hole on Smaug’s chest and it was time to make his move.

 

ßßß

 

Thorin watched Smaug’s jolting and flailing with a trace of amusement, underneath the absolute focus that was needed to keep himself alive. He was beginning to have suspicions about why no one had shot Smaug with a black arrow yet. They were not pleasant suspicions. 

Resolved to do his best to kill Smaug, even if they were doomed to fail, Thorin prepared for one mighty blow. As Smaug’s head dropped closer to the floor, Thorin ran forward, Orcrist held before him and roaring ‘Khazâd ai-mênu’ at the top of his voice. His aim was true. His sword thrust straight into Smaug’s already-injured eye.

As he ran, Thorin noticed absently that Bard had appeared from somewhere and was also running toward Smaug. It was too late to start wondering what the man planned to do, though. Thorin was a tad busy.

 

ßßß

 

Watching Oakenshield charge toward the dragon, Bard decided there would never be a better moment to make his move. Black arrow clutched in his hands, which were damper than he might have liked, Bard also ran at Smaug. He could see that weak spot again. There was something odd going on in that area… a movement of some kind, perhaps… but it was unimportant really. As long as Bard could stab Smaug, that was all that mattered.

 

ßßß

 

Pain had rendered Smaug both furious and more than slightly mad. These moronic dwarves were hurting him. The nerve of them! Were they not aware that Smaug was a firedrake of the North? Had they no respect for the number of their people he had killed simply for getting in his way? He could not allow this indignity.

Even as he thought this, Smaug felt another pain, greater than anything that had assaulted him so far. It burned like another dragon’s fire turned upon him and he screamed helplessly in agony. Thrashing around, Smaug quickly slid to the floor, unable to hold himself upright any longer.

He did not even register the body caught underneath him.

 

ßßß

 

Bard the Bowman, however, was well aware of his fate. 

In those last seconds, as the dragon’s carcass fell towards him, he knew that this would be his final, and extremely ignominious, end.

Squashed by the dragon he was meant to kill.

 

_Here endeth the insanity_

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously, this Bard is not meant to reflect the Bard in History.


End file.
